How to know it’s definitely not even close to being love, episode 2.

Ladies, maybe don’t read further.  I’m kinda giving away some state secrets.


It won’t be hard to wrap your lizard brain around this one.  To be fair, more than a few folks have never experienced what I’m about to talk about.  You possibly never will, but we can talk about that at the end.

To start with, grab some lotion and a couple of tissues (or hop into the bathtub) and listen to Avril Lavigne’s love song (featuring Marilyn Manson, a little bit):

I sincerely wish I could see each reader’s visceral response to this.  Examples:

  • “I mean, what a slut, amiright?”
  • “Damn, I’d like to find her at the club after she’s had a few drinks!”
  • “That poor girl has a lot of problems and was probably abused; we should help her.”
  • “That song is really degrading toward women.”
  • “Meh, she’s like pretty much most women at my church.”

You only get one guess to pick the response that does not fit with the others (hint: it’s not the last one).  Let’s be clear—this is an obvious example of what love is not, but what the fuck are we looking at then?

We’re going to dispense with any analysis regarding advertising/The Matrix/resistance because this won’t be hard.  What is Avril saying to her lover in this song?  What does she want to be true?

I’ll let you walk all over me, me / You know that I’m a little tease, tease / But I wanna play there please, please

Pretty straight forward.  She likes your penis.  There’s more, though:

You know you know you know I’m crazy / I just wanna be your baby / You can fuck me, you can play me / You can love and you can hate me

Translation:  I’m not like this with my boyfriend; he mainly does what I tell him.  I know it sounds like I’m telling you what to do, too, but I don’t care in this case.  When my boyfriend does what I want, I honestly resent him sort of; but you get a pass this time.  Crazy, I know.

“Hold on now, you think she’s cheating on someone??  That’s very presumptuous.”  I am saying that but I’m not blaming her; calm down.

Choke me because I said so / Stroke me and feed my ego / I’ve been a bad girl, don’t you know? / Come get it now or never / I’ll let you do whatever / I’ll be your bad girl, here we go

Jesus, a guy’s gotta choke you, too, while his dick thrashes you through the mattress?  Guess we signed up for some major cardio.  No need to copy any more lyrics; Avril is looking for a one-night stand—she found some sperm she can’t live without.  It’s not love, it’s lizard brain sex.

“I didn’t read the Wikipedia link, so what’s this ‘lizard brain’ you speak of, and what does it have to do with sex?”  I can TL;DR it for you:  a heterosexual girl wants two things from you:  1)  the best quality of sperm she can reasonably get, and 2) the best quality provision/social status she can reasonably get.  I know it’s over-simplified, but basically a girl only has enough blood to operate one brain at a time.


We’re going to go off the rails for a minute.  I truly did mean to apply that simile to women (we ever only hear about how a guy  uses his head or his penis to make decisions).  Here’s what will melt the brain of most guys:  a woman will semi-happily marry you even if she doesn’t (or rarely) wants to fuck you.   “Holy shit, so you’re saying I’m the boyfriend Avril is cheating on in that song??”  I don’t know.  I hope not.

Don’t be a hater.  The only reason you are alive today is because assholes and fertile women with normal vaginas made babies.  “In that song her vagina isn’t normal, she’s a crazy slut!”  Nope, I’m saying a normal vagina is a crazy slut.  “Whatever, my girlfriend would never want me to dominate/choke/spank her.”  Well, she doesn’t want to do that stuff with you.

I don’t want all this to sound cruel, but it’s important to point out that lizard brain sex isn’t love—it’s just evolution at work.  The most pitiable person is the guy who thinks he’s repulsed by, or terrified by, Avril Lavigne’s utterly naked and normal female sexuality.  Bro, let me tell you—your girlfriend/wife is playing this game with both her brains, and if you limit yourself to only using one, it’s a huge disadvantage.

A man can never be happy unless he knows his true value to women and the world.  Seriously, your white knight armor looks stupid anyway.  Just for fun, here is the the sanitized version of this whole subject:

Makes me think a tad differently about Taylor Swift when we realize she and Avril are both singing about the same thing.  Yikes.  Before we forget, let’s touch on the people who have never experienced this, or can’t even imagine it.  Louis CK always has tact when addressing cruel fates:

You might still have a chance at love (or something), but remember that lizard brain sex is not love.  Although I’m certain most of us will admit that it’s absolutely fucking awesome.


About Timber St. James

I used to be a galley slave, but now I race chariots.
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One Response to How to know it’s definitely not even close to being love, episode 2.

  1. Pingback: How to know it’s definitely not even close to being love, episode 3 | TimberStJames

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